Fertility & the Desire to Control: An Education in Letting Go
For anyone on a fertility journey, the desire to control is both an instinct and a burden. The moment the road to parenthood doesn’t unfold as expected, a deep sense of uncertainty sets in. Suddenly, life’s decisions—where to live, when to take that new job, whether to book the holiday—are all clouded by the unknown. Every choice becomes tethered to the question: What if this affects my chances of conceiving?
But perhaps this is exactly what the fertility journey is about. Not just conception itself, but a profound lesson in surrender. Because at its core, the struggle for control is often rooted in fear—fear of the unknown, fear of disappointment, fear of what life will look like if things don’t go to plan. And fear always seeks control.
The Illusion of Control
We live in a world that rewards planning, productivity, and certainty. We are told that if we work hard enough, strive long enough, and do all the ‘right’ things, we will get the outcome we desire. And yet, fertility is one of life’s greatest reminders that not everything bends to our will. No matter how many ovulation sticks we pee on, how many supplements we take, or how many appointments we schedule, we cannot make conception happen.
This is deeply uncomfortable. When we feel powerless, we grasp at control even tighter. But the harder we try to micromanage the process, the more exhausting and emotionally depleting it becomes.
So, what if we shifted our focus?
What We Can Control
There is a difference between controlling and optimising. Controlling is rigid, fear-driven, and outcome-focused. Optimising is supportive, trusting, and process-focused.
Instead of obsessing over an outcome we cannot force, we can shift our energy to the things that are within our power:
• Addressing emotional blocks – Many of us carry subconscious fears around parenthood, worthiness, and trust in our bodies. Exploring these through therapy, journaling, or breathwork can be transformative.
• Honouring the body – Instead of punishing it with stress and rigidity, we can nourish it with sleep, movement, balanced nutrition, and gentle self-care.
• Aligning our lifestyle with our values – Are we creating a life that feels good now, rather than just a life on hold until pregnancy happens?
• Deepening self-trust – Learning to listen to our body’s wisdom rather than external noise.
And then, the hardest part: letting go of the rest.
Preparing for Parenthood, Not Just Pregnancy
If we do not confront our relationship with control now, parenthood will hold up a mirror. Babies do not adhere to perfect schedules. They cry unpredictably, sleep inconsistently, and arrive into the world as their own sovereign beings, not as an extension of our expectations.
As children grow, so does the lesson. We cannot shape them into a version of themselves that fits neatly into our vision. They will have their own struggles, their own paths, their own timing. Parenthood is not about control—it is about presence, guidance, and trust.
The Deepest Trust
If we could look into a crystal ball and know exactly when we would conceive, it would be easy to relax. If we could fast-forward to see that our children will thrive, we would worry less. But life does not offer such guarantees. Instead, it invites us into a deeper kind of trust—one that does not depend on certainty.
So, perhaps this journey is not just about creating life but about stepping into a different way of living—one that is more surrendered, more aligned, and more deeply connected to the wisdom of our bodies and the rhythm of life itself.
We cannot control the outcome. But we can show up, do what is within our power, and trust that what is meant to unfold, will.
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If you want to move forward on your fertility journey and focus on what you can optimise, book a call HERE